It’s still going….

I had a massive breakdown couple of weeks ago. After months and months of job searching, I was depressed although I did not want to acknowledge it.

I did not want to go home when I finished work. I worked out slower than usual in the gym, got into the bus and wanted to go till the end of the journey without getting down at my stop.

It was not an easy day. I realized I focus too much on what I do not have, what I cannot do, what I wish I had.

I stopped. Totally stopped and took a break. I did not want to go crazy, I have not much of a support system here, especially my parents are far away from me.

At one point I was checking websites for jobs every five minutes, not having any results made me frustrated and angry at myself, which in retrospect is stupid because it’s not my fault.

I have stopped trying too hard, everything is up to destiny and I’m just gonna sit back and watch it unfold…

Bless you all!

~ Dakshi~

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Where are my guiding stars?

#lifeisnotmoving #frustrated #hopeless

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Nothing much happening…

Just trying to sort my life out. Nothing seems to work so far. Frustrated and at wits end. Good things are supposed to come but..

19th Jan,2020

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Everything is (not) fine…

Tied wings but everyone wanted me to fly

was traumatized, listen to my story there won’t be a dry eye

Left my home, it was simple, just do or die

At times I think of my free wings now and I sigh

I can hear my mother, through the telephone lines

My heart misses her so bad, I know she knows the signs

My freedom costs so much, I have lost all that is mine

I just have to pretend, every day that everything is fine…

~ Dakshi~

08/01/2020

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What my life has become…

I know people who come here by their faces, by their names, their manners or ill manners. Most of them are university students, (obviously because I work in a university store) Some professors, many staff members. A smile, a nod but most people do not acknowledge my presence, for them I’m just a person who serves them.

I know prices of most of the stuff we sell, chips, fizzy drinks, chocolates and the list goes on.

I call my mother in mornings and evenings, it feels warm, somebody knows who I was, my past life.

My legal days are over. Its been 10 years that I was called to the bar but nobody knows ‘that me’ here.

Everyday is a struggle to keep my sanity, to keep my cheer, keep my positivity going.

The easy, privileged life is gone.

I am just a underemployed social worker who used to be a lawyer now working as a sales associate.

That is my story.

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Wake up and Fight…

Wished for miracles, then I got you

You held the forte when I crumble, reassured there won’t be much blues

I’m trying to wake up, from my ashes

just want to soar, conquering the sky like a Phoenix

I write, at least try,it ease my heartaches

The eternal quest of happiness, think I have what it takes

Everyday is a struggle but I get up to fight

Hope often breaks my heart, but life is not black and white…

~ Dakshi~

3rd Jan, 2020

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I’m Home…

A New Year, a new decade.

Lot of things happen in the last decade. I lost and found love. Moved countries. Changed careers and become underemployed. Still am.

Lost many – so called – friends but happy with the good few I have.

Most of all, I was able to be myself.

I came out to my family and it was a long and painful process, lot of tears and heartaches, on their part.

I was writing on instagram for the past couple of years, I just couldn’t come to this blog but this is where it all started.

And I am home…❤️

~ Dakshi~

1st Jan, 2020

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Sky is changing colours…

Most difficult thing is to stay positive when nothing works out. After studying for couple of years and thinking I would get a job right away, I find myself working in a convenience store, grumpy and frustrated. It’s hard, to start from the scratch and waiting for the right moment, for the right people to call you.

I was taking to one of my friends, who has gone through most of what I went through. What she said inspired me. I left everything behind to be with the person I loved at that time, family, money, fame everything. I took a massive risk. My love life did not work out but I found someone who love me, not right away. I went through trauma and pain and depression but I found somebody, to love and who loves me in return.

Now I can be myself, although I do not have fame or wealth which can be earned.

So I guess it turned out well, my adventure.

~ Dakshi ~

28th Dec,2019

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Out and Proud…

Why would you move to a new country, leaving everything behind, everything you worked for, everything you achieved, your roots, your soul and big chunk of your life?

Well, people immigrate for many reasons, obviously thinking the grass is greener on the other side but is it really?

I guess it would be depending on how you look at things, you immigrated as you are striving for a better quality of life, more freedom ( which is a myth as I will explain more as you read this article further),a bright and prosperous future for your children.

Why did I immigrate? As a person belong to a middle class, well educated person left everything behind but why?

Nobody knew the reason why, nobody cared to dig further, nobody suspected my motives.

Prepare your stones to throw , put on your masks of painted with religion, take out the penal code and wipe away the dust!

Drum rolls please, (or sticks)

I chose to immigrate because I’m gay.

Do not look so shocking, yes, I know there is a special place in hell for me but so be it. After years of hiding behind a ‘straight’ persona and not ‘coming out’, I am saying it out loud.

I am gay.

Now, do not go to my bedroom from your mind and have all these wild fantasies about lesbian sex.

Just be rational.

I know you cannot be so, no I’m not judging you but stating a fact that you carry the ghosts of our ancestors, who are whispering to your ear right now, stop reading this, this is wrong, this is a sin.

I know.

Let me tell you one thing, I did not chose to be gay. I did not wake up one day and decided ‘ I should be gay for the days. It does not work like that. I do not want to be with a man but a woman.

It is not a choice but it’s who I am.

I used to worry about what others think but no more. I used to hide myself, my true feelings but no more.

What about people around me?

I come from a family that loves me dearly but it took me years to accept the truth to myself and then saying it out loud, first to my mother. She cried and cried, thinking of the husband I will never have and worrying about my unborn children, her first grand babies.

My mother still secretly believes I will be not gay at some point and this is all a phrase.

It took me more courage to speak my truth to my father, who told me he never wants to talk about this again, he was devastated, hopeless and frustrated, thinking of how to ever utter about this to anybody.

I think In his eyes, I became hero to zero.

So be it.

You would think, the country I live in, is accepting and celebrating diversity of every kind. Theoretically yes but do not forget that any country is made from people, especially from everywhere.

When I went back to university, switching my legal field to social work, I met people from different cultures and ethnicities and boy! It was tough.

It was living like in Sri Lanka again, with their judgmental stares and avoiding me like the plague after I came out. I purposefully did not go anywhere near Sri Lankan community, thinking of I’ll treatment and gossips but I had it all.

According to their eyes, I was a sinner.

When I told them about my partner, things become worse. For them it was against their faith. I was obviously not with a man, so they banned me, without expressly stating anything.

It was cruel.

I am living in Calgary, Canada from July, 2016 to date. I do not have many friends but I have few good ones who do not care a damn about whom I love.

So in my life, less is more…

#grassisgreener #comingout #yyccalgary #life

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Just another Day…

Waking up at 5am and walking towards the bus stop, get in to one bus, get down and get in to another bus, university stop, get down and walk for like 10 minutes, opening the store and serve customers. That’s my morning till about 3pm. Then I go to gym, run around a bit and go home. Its been eight months since I finished my degree and here I am. I try not to hate the world or scream. I go on, grinding my teeth, muttering under my breath, wishing for a better tomorrow.

After all,hope is all we got, right?

#randomthoughts #life #mornings #calgaryyyc #anotherday

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